aaand i wrote this one july 1st

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

You want the honest truth? No sugar or candy coating? Well, the past few days have been shitty. They’ve been hard for me emotionally and each day I’ve counted the minutes until I could go to bed and pass a few hours without thinking (that is, hoping I actually went to sleep when I went to bed). It’s been rainy and cloudy outside and now the wind rages incessantly. Where did this wintry summer come from? Is this seriously how I chose to spend my few months of summer vacation? Where is my family? The people who love me and with whom I feel so comfortable, knowing that I can do anything, good or bad, and I am still, like always, just Marianne. I had such a good time with my parents. I had been missing them for six months and we had 10 days together to catch up and explore and see and play and drive and talk together. I loved it. Then I came back to the farm. Back to Marion, who reminds me sometimes frighteningly of Grandma Rupp. Back to Godfrey, who is quiet, who throws me off, and who lets his wife rule his life. And back to Natalie, a sweet, quiet, shy 30-year-old, still being dominated by her overpowering mother. Back to this weather, back to defending every move I make. Back to feeling, at times, like nothing more than some servant, because that’s how Marion will treat you. Sometimes I just get really quiet, and then when my only friend comes I just have nothing to say to her. That’ll make you wanna be someone’s friend, won’t it? But what’s it matter—she’s leaving in 2 weeks to travel and I won’t ever see her again. There goes my only friend. Not to mention that I am missing a beautiful Boone and a beautiful Hollis summer with 4^th of July parties, sunshine, bar-b-cues, festivals, birthdays, friends visiting, and general family life.

So you might can see why I sort of have been having a hard time.

But then…

Just like everyone else, though, I have these days. And they pass. Today was that day for me. I realized that I need to heed my own constant advice and suck it up. I have to make the best of this time here because, 1. I have a month left, and 2. if I just sit here thinking about how much it sucks, that’s what it is going to do. If I get up and laugh, play, work, cook, bake, whatever, it will be a lot better. Yeah, the weather sucks. Bad. Yeah, I miss my family and friends. Yeah, I’m missing out on all the summer fun times and family, but if I can make this time here a good time, then life will be a lot more enjoyable. I hate it when life is unenjoyable. It’s no fun.

I guess I could always just pay the money and hop on a plane back home. I could be home in time for supper tomorrow. But then I would be failing on the obligation I made to myself, and basically, I’d be running away. No way to deal with it. It’s hard, but I guess I’ve dealt with a lot of shit in the past 6 or 7 months. I can get through 30 more days of this. All I have to do is concentrate on the things through which a light of hope and happiness shines. The hard part is finding those things and then on pushing the knowledge of what you’re missing back home into the back of your mind. The world is a beautiful place, I just have to remember to remember that.